Mop and Suzie's Theory on Taxi Drivers

In our recent antics of quite regularly going out to pubs around the place, and generally becoming excessively inebriated making us incapable of driving home, we seem to be catching many taxis. With this in mind, does it make you wonder why taxi drivers never give discount? We always make an effort to try and talk to the driver, to keep him entertained for awhile, but no matter how hard you try, you always have to pay the whole fare. They are the only service in the world that don't have frequent shopper cards, and no matter how nice or chatty you are to them, you always have to pay full price, and they even expect a tip! Even when the cost of your fair is $20.10, there is no rounding down. You have to break that $10 note, just to get the extra 10 cents, and then, coz they are too lazy to get you change, you end up paying $25!

In light of this we have also discovered that a big problem when riding in cabs, is that often, it is a difficult task trying to figure out one thing - what exactly do you talk to a taxi driver about, whilst spending that 20 minutes in a cab? Our research have shown that there are safe topics, that are bound to keep you entertained for the entire ride home... or another pub... or somebody elses home... hmmm...! It is the eternal quest, that one day, somehow you can pay $20 instead of $25.

Things to talk to taxi driver about number 1: Name.
We usually get into the taxi and find out the drivers name straight away. If their name is difficult to pronounce (this occurs quite frequently given the descent of most taxi drivers) we just call them Taxi, TD, Hey You or Ian. Quite interestingly, we found that a lot of taxi drivers actually use a fake name when speaking to passengers. Dodgy. But we often tell them fake names such as Ingrid or Tabitha anyway so I suppose it's OK.

Things to talk to taxi driver about number 2: Country of origin.
The majority of taxi drivers appear to be male, and not of Australian "Yokka" decent. You will be enlightened, by asking this question, of some exciting random places such as Afghanistan or Bangladesh. We have often found that other exciting places also include Serbia, Macedonia, and Equador. This would also be the explanation for conversation to be lacking enthusiam due to the english barrier.

Things to talk to taxi driver about number 3: Busy night?
We have found that a great way to get a conversation started, is to ask taxi drivers "Have you had a busy night?". Although, you are not the slightest bit interested in the rate-of-pick-up, most drivers will generally give you an answer regardless of something like "yeah, it's not too bad." They will then, without prompting, go on to tell you about the guy they picked up in mandurah who was on his way to the airport, longest drive ever, or about the girls they just picked from some stupid place, to go to some pub that you don't even care about.

Things to talk to taxi driver about number 4: The Weather
This conversation starter is often used when there really is nothing to talk about. Usually there is a big silence preceding this topic followed by a comment such as "Nice weather we've been having lately" or "How about that rain last week?" Quite often this will be followed by TD talking about how much he loves the wetaher in Australia as opposed to [insert country here].

Things to talk to taxi driver about number 5: Children.
Taxi drivers love their children, and in our discoveries, they all have them. You will find that their children are always brilliant, intelligent, fantastic, incredible, and above all, just great! This has made us come to the conclusion that the taxi driver gene is a super powerful one, making us wish that our parents should have been taxi drivers too. Conversations about children will generally keep you occupied for approximately 5 minutes.

Things not to say in taxis:

• "Have I seen you before in the newspaper? What was your name again? Osama bin Laden?"
• "I think I'm going to spew"
• "Can you just go via my dealer's house so I can pick up some gear?"
• "Do you give out free rides, because I don't have any cash" (generally used when you are around the corner from your destination)
• I just got out of prison